Getting unstuck
I think that mindset and attitude are a huge factor in everything that you do. Its hard for me to be good at something without really feeling that way mentally too. I usually go into the bouldering hall telling myself that I’m going to be amazing today. I walk in with the confidence to take on a challenge. My past experience and training reinforces this feeling and its this attitude I try to adopt before every session. I know that simply thinking this way does not actually imply that I will have a good session, but I think its important to think that way anyway. My progression for the last few years has been really good and I’ve managed to achieve a level of bouldering that I am happy with. But! I have my excuses too and I think its important to address the negatives as much as the positives.
Feeling stuck…
The last year has been tough. Covid really messed up the possibility of training regularly. We’ve had a couple of waves in the last year and the bouldering halls have been closed for several months each time. When they were open, it was not always possible to find a slot. On account of the restrictions on the maximum number of people allowed in indoor spaces, it was hard to go bouldering with my friends as a group. Other additional restrictions such as being able to reserve a spot only once every three days have made it frustrating to even schedule a session at the bouldering hall. Apart from covid, I’ve also been having a really stressful time at work. Its nearing the end of my PhD contract and the amount of work to be completed has been increasing with every passing month. Add to this the daunting task of figuring out what to do next.
In the last year, I have been able to maintain the level at which I climb or something close to it. When the gyms were open, I’ve been traveling around to multiple gyms to be able to at least boulder once a week with my friends. But after doing this for the last half year, I feel really frustrated. I cant really make any progress. I’m able to boulder, but I feel like I’m just doing random boulders without much of a plan. Moreover, having no idea when/where you will be able to boulder next is demotivating. Shopping around for bouldering halls is of no help either. Especially since I can barely ever work on a specific problem longer the duration of the session. I really miss being able to go to a bouldering hall on fixed days. I miss the training routine and I miss project-ing more challenging boulder routes over several sessions. And top-roping? well, forget about it. I think it must be more than a year since I climbed anything more than a few meters high. I’m stuck. I feel demotivated and I feel like I’m making no progress at all. Every time the bouldering gyms are allowed to open again, I feel like I barely manage to get back to my original level before they are closed again. This is frustrating and I don’t enjoy it anymore. I feel stuck and it sucks!
When one of my bouldering buddies went away on holiday last month, I gave up on going to the bouldering gym. With things getting busy at work, I started spending more time on my PhD and on finding a job. It was a semi-conscious decision. I quit partly because I was stressed, tired and frustrated at making no progress, and partly because I wanted a break from bouldering.
Getting back to it
I was able to make a lot of progress with my PhD. I am able to see the path to wrapping this up more clearly now. I found a job. I found the time to take a weekend away from Delft. I took another week off, just catching up on video games and getting some good sleep. And then finally, I went to the bouldering gym again for the first time this week after nearly 2 months away from it. The first session back was really intimidating. I felt nervous about where to start. After a quick warm up I jumped right into 6a problems. This is a grade that is not easy but one which I used to be able to finish without doubt. The first 4 I tried were easy, I flashed them. I even flashed a 6b problem while I was at it. I felt elated and confident.
However, this is where things started getting shaky, the next wall that I went to was a slap in the face. I tried a 6b problem several times unsuccessfully. I couldn’t reach a hold which I believed I should have had no difficulty reaching. I began to panic, I felt that I had lost some skill. These problems usually felt natural to me. Feeling doubtful about the next move was not something I was used to. After more wasted attempts, I decided to move on and focus on some other routes. The next wall was no better. Now, the moves felt natural to me, but I didn’t have the strength anymore. I had exhausted myself and now my arms were pumped. I felt scared, I couldn’t tell if I would perform any better at the next session even. It had only been an hour into my session and there was still another hour left. I felt low realizing that I was already exhausted halfway through the session. I tried some more, but I struggled to make even two moves on any problem. I started trying lower grade problems. But by now I was completely exhausted. I couldn’t hold on to anything and my confidence was shot. I was trembling with every move. I stretched at the end of the session, dejected.
Getting over it
Following the disappointing session , I told myself that I have to get over this and try to keep it together. The first step was to re-live the session and carefully think about how I felt during the session. I felt heavy though I don’t think my weight has changed much. I could crimp on holds and my fingers do feel strong. My forearm strength is not what it was before. I can tell since, I couldn’t hold onto things for long and my ability to pinch was mediocre. I have to keep in mind that some of these things are also a result of not using those muscles for a long time. The first half of my session was good and I did complete some challenging problems. So being optimistic, the issues that I face are likely due to a lack of practice and a loss in endurance from sitting on chairs too long!
The next issue to deal with is my mental state and confidence. I have the nagging fear that I will never be able to recover from this and I feel scared that it will only be downhill from here. This is natural and it’s not surprising that I feel this way after such a terrible session. To make myself feel better, I asked myself why I boulder. The answer since a really long time has been to see myself grow and improve. I reminded myself that the only way I would not achieve this is if I quit. The grades don’t matter and I am a different person as I grow. This is a sport that I enjoy and I will always be able to find joy in it. I’m sure that I will crush it. And if I don’t? Well, that’s not really the attitude that I am going to adopt am I?